A conversation with a retired fuckboy
It was just him and I, out on the front porch, having a night cap.
He is my mother’s living proof of “third time’s the charm”, first came the husband who died, second came the abusive narcissist and last came this one. To put it simply a lovely British man who says yes to everything she says, one that can handle her fits of rage and who may swear a little too much but has never raised his voice at her. One that I like to believe would give her the world. He always says that he manifested her—an independent woman with her own children and a joie de vivre. They are like a teenage couple without the excessive PDA, silly and playful. Yet, they also look like they’ve been married for decades, so comfortable together in silence. He adores her so much, he fears he’ll fuck it up.
He always says that when I first met him, I was a “cunt” but rightfully so. And I know I was, and I didn’t care because I didn’t trust any man around my mother, not after what we went through. But he proved himself over the years and eventually I warmed up to him. To the point that he may be one of the men I trust the most in my life.
However, he hasn’t always been this tame. He’s had a colourful past, let’s put it that way. A past filled with parties, substances and women. Stories I have promised to not share. They were dark times but I always sense a hint of nostalgia as he recalls them, he knows it was bad but maybe he knows he’ll never feel those types of highs ever again. Many of his past behaviours remind me so much of those of the young men today. Similar stories to the ones my girlfriends and I share with each other with great rage and passion, ones I have analysed and replayed in my head over and over again, asking myself “why the fuck did he do that?”. True head scratchers that have left me confused, baffled by their logic and their sheer audacity. Ones that make you wonder who raised them? Or how could such a lovely mother create such creature?
So many years between us, yet so many things haven’t changed. No true evolution when it comes to the way many men treat women, making me wonder if true change can happen. Many think that this fear of commitment is an issue that only our generation struggles with but the more I speak to the older generations the more I realise, it was just much easier to cheat back then.
I sat for a moment, perplexed, before quickly realising the opportunity that I had in front of me—I could gather information to help the girls straight from the source. “Don’t move,” he said as he stood up, “I’ll give you the answers.” He went to the kitchen and poured himself another drink.
Here are 7 things you should know about dating as a girl in your 20 somethings according to a retired fuckboy:
1. You will get played. Point Blank Period.
As a twenty something woman you will get played no matter how cautious you are. They will flatter, make you laugh, buy you things to get what they want. Even when it may seem genuine sometimes, never be surprised if they 180’d and gave you the same boring excuse. Because many simply do not know what they want, they might mean everything they said in the moment but this could change tomorrow. So the best advice would be to enjoy it whilst it lasts and do not blame yourself too much if they just up and left out of nowhere.
2. Men only chase women who act like men.
Women fall for security and men, for challenge. To put it simply, the more detached you are the more they’ll desire you. The more it seems like you hate them and would never give them a chance, the more they’ll pursue. Being thoughtful and cute only works when you’re already locked in, doing too much when you aren’t in a relationship with the man will freak them out. If you do not care to act like a man and don’t care to play games, focus on yourself and maybe a good boy will come along. Patience and kindness will get you nowhere because many young men aren’t ready to receive such things.
3. Two different worlds.
Remind yourself that their human experience on Earth is in some ways so different from ours, leading them to react to things differently. They truly sometimes do not view the world or human connections the way we do. What seems moral and right to you may not apply to them. So stop beating yourself up trying to understand why they would do certain things and try to analyse them, because you’ll just end up losing your mind. Let them be and find your peace. They’ll learn in their own time.
4. If they stop “shagging” you, beware.
They’re probably not cheating on you, but they probably are. You can have steak and caviar every night but sometimes you just want a burger. Wether he is or not, just know that you can be the most beautiful, intelligent girl and still get fucked over.
Shag his friend.
5. Shoot the shot.
Your rejection rate as a girl in your 20’s are low, because men like their ego stroked. They will most probably go for you just because you were ballsy and made them feel special enough that as a young woman you made the first move.
Talk to him.
6. If he over compliments you, tell him to fuck off.
Exactly that. (I guess love-bombing wasn’t a term at the time yet but it’s been around forever. So STOP FALLING FOR IT).
7. Substances and Performative Sex.
This is for both boys and girls. Doing drugs and expecting to only have wild crazy sex all the time can rob you from the beauty of the mundane. Meaning, living in such high highs all the time will take away the beauty in the small things, having you constantly chase a feeling you can only feel high. Soon enough, you’ll no longer feel gratitude for the warmth of the sun, the lingering smell of lavender or a slow morning with a loved one. Eventually, you will not be able to feel anything anymore, the calmness and the normal will feel unbearable.
We finished the conversation with, “however you shouldn’t be afraid, never stop yourself because of fear. Yeah, we’re assholes for the most part but don’t let all of us rob you from an experience with an actual decent guy. I know it may be hard to believe sometimes but they’re there, somewhere.” He’s not the most expressive man out there and gave me a very simple conclusion which was “just do you”.
Everything said here is obviously to be taken with a grain of salt and it was truly a very unserious conversation but in a way it was comforting to know that sometimes, it’s not my fault. As women we are born with built-in guilt in our bones and constantly blaming ourselves for things we seriously have no reason to feel guilty about. If he didn’t like you that much in the end, well he just didn’t like you that much, it wasn’t because you said something weird or because of your lip combo. We can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. There’s nothing to fix or to better, sometimes, it is truly just that. I think the main takeaway I had here is that the more you decentralise your life from men and male attention, the more peace you’ll find in dating. When your entire sense of value isn’t placed in their hands, their leaving or disrespect won’t shake your self-worth. You hold the power. This is something I’ve struggled with ever since I started dating chasing people I probably didn’t even like or who didn’t deserve my attention because I believed I was worth nothing without them. (As someone who tends to resent men, admitting this was really difficult. I hope you can appreciate the honesty.)
But ironically, the more you do that, the more they come to you.
Anyways, having had this conversation with a father figure I wish I’d had earlier really helped my case. And for my fatherless or shit father-having ladies out there, I hope it helps you too.
Vahine Blaise, Nova Scotia, August 2025
