Big Girl

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This was my 24th year alive, marking the end of my early twenties. I’ve always been radical about marking transitions in life. For example, when I was in my last year of primary school, I organised a massive game of Tag for my grade, telling everyone that since we were moving on to middle school, it would be our final chance to play together. We played that last game, and indeed, we never did again.  

Now, as I approach 25, I find myself drawing similar lines—reflecting on the things I need to realign as I step into my mid-twenties. This realisation has been pivotal, sparking significant changes within me and making this year one of the most transformative of my life as I prepare for the next chapter.

1.The Iron Will. 

Until recently, I’ve always struggled to finish anything—whether it was a creative project, a business idea, or even a workout plan. A part of me is a perfectionist, but not in the productive sense; I was the kind that got so anxious about things not being perfect that I often didn’t even start. And if things didn’t go my way the first time, I’d just give up.  

This has been a part of me since I was a little girl. I rarely participated in sports or competitions because the idea of failing or losing scared me more than anything. While I’m not saying I’ve never accomplished anything, I’ve never truly stuck with something for the long haul—and it was a trait I despised in myself. 

On top of that, I was bored. Not challenging myself or building something out of fear of failure left me feeling dull. I had nothing to get excited about or look forward to, apart from grabbing drinks with my friends at the bar. I poured too much energy into casual relationships with men just to fill the void.  

But deep down, I knew I had an immense amount of creativity—I just lacked an outlet. I reached a point where I made the conscious decision to do something with my life before falling into another spiral of depression. That’s how Girl On Girl was born. Getting the idea was the easy part—I have ideas all the time. But this one felt different. It felt special, like something I needed to bring to life. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my future self down again. I couldn’t leave her with the regret of yet another unfulfilled ambition.

To make it happen, I had to rewire my thinking. I told myself that if I could just stick with this for a few months, something was bound to change. This time, I had to see it through.

No matter what it was I was feeling in the moment, I was just going to do what had to be done. Any doubts or intrusive thoughts, I would put aside. If I had written it down on the to-do list, it had to be done, no matter how long it would take me. I had to make myself believe that I truly had no choice but to do these things. If there were days where I couldn’t find the strength or had any type of mental blocks, I tried to be gentle with myself and tried to be patient. I took that time to envision how I would feel once I had achieved my goals and that would instantly motivate me. I guess it worked because here we are. I wish I built this Iron Will earlier but I guess I needed time to mature and let myself down enough times to really want a change. I’ve quickly realised that there is truly no better feeling than feeling accomplished.

2. Let’s get physical 

I didn’t just apply the Iron Will rules to my professional life—I brought them to the gym as well. I’ve always struggled with consistency in my workouts. Motivation came easily, but sticking with it was the hard part. I realised this was because my primary reason for exercising had always been weight loss, which, while still a goal, wasn’t enough to keep me committed.  

So, I shifted my mindset. After some reflection, I noticed how much better my mental health was when I exercised consistently. It not only improved my mood but also made my days more productive. I began to see the gym as more than just a place to strengthen my body—it was a tool to callous my mind. Doing something challenging every day gave me the confidence and momentum I needed to tackle whatever came my way. The gym became the perfect push.  

While I enjoyed weight training, I needed something simpler to stay consistent—something I could do almost every day. That’s when I committed to the stair master. As long as I had 30 minutes to spare, I’d climb those steps. No questions asked. I made it a habit: get dressed, drive to the gym, and just do it.  

I also set a personal rule: if I made a mental note the night before about certain exercises, I wasn’t allowed to leave the gym until I had completed them. This approach eliminated excuses and helped me build discipline, one workout at a time.

3. Girls, Girls, Girls 

I entered 2024 still recovering from a painful breakup—though you’ve probably noticed by now, given how much I can’t shut up about it. The last few days of 2023, including New Year’s, were spent with my closest friends, some of whom were also going through tough breakups around the same time. On the final day of the year, we ran through the streets of Paris with a bottle of champagne, dancing, hugging, and kissing each other—feeling a sense of relief and freedom from the weight of a turbulent year, celebrating the end of what felt like hell. It was a symbolically beautiful moment, reminding me that, no matter what, we always have each other. That memory stayed with me all year long, and I made it a point to prioritise and nurture my friendships, especially with other women. I even made lifelong friends along the way.

Doing this has led me to create the most amazing memories with these girls—from my birthday celebration in Ibiza to endless beach days in Marseille, Bali, and Barcelona. There were indecent nights at dive bars in Paris and wholesome, heartwarming dinners in New York City. I recognise how blessed I am to have a circle of real friends—not an overwhelming number, but a handful of truly exceptional people I can trust blindly. These are incredibly special women, each with ambition and strong personalities that constantly inspire me to be the best version of myself.

From a very young age, I’ve been blessed with an understanding of the importance of friendships. I grew up with best friends, and many of my childhood besties are still a significant part of my life today. For the longest time, I thought this was the norm for everyone, but over the years, I’ve realised that’s not the case. Many girls don’t have close female friendships, for various reasons, and it’s hard for me to imagine a life without them.  

I’ve also noticed that some girls tend to prioritise romantic relationships above all else, often neglecting their friendships when they fall in love—treating their friends like placeholders until they find a partner. I’ve lost a few friends this way, and it pains me every time. What they fail to understand is that healthy friendships not only help you grow into a better version of yourself but are also one of the few types of relationships that rarely induce stress.  

When done right, girlhood is the definition of peace. Being surrounded by genuine friends transforms even the most mundane moments into magical ones—whether it’s laughing during funny debrief sessions, lounging and rotting in your best friend’s couch, or cute girl dinners. While some may argue that these moments can also happen with a partner, I believe the connection you share with your girlfriends is truly unique.  

With your girls, you’re understood and seen in a way that’s almost impossible to replicate with the opposite sex. You can unapologetically be yourself—no filters, no expectations. Girl time gives you space to breathe, relax, and take a break from the pressures of life, offering a type of warmth and connection that’s entirely different from what you might share with a partner or family.  

So, I urge you: recognize the beauty and importance of your girlfriends. Don’t take them for granted. Because when your heart gets broken or someone betrays you, who will be there to pick up the pieces and help you rebuild? 

4. Sex is over. Celibacy is in. 

While my relationships with my girls have been nothing but fun, I can’t say the same about my experiences with the opposite sex. After my last relationship, I decided to experiment with casual relationships. I had some lovely moments, but they were usually short-lived and, more often than not, disappointing. I even found myself in a situationship that dragged on far too long and ended up breaking my heart more than any actual breakup. Let’s just say my feelings took a beating this year.  

I tried to play the “chill girl”—a Samantha, if you will—but at heart, I’m a lover girl. I have a tendency to either get attached way too quickly if I really like someone or not care at all if I don’t. I’m just not built for hookup culture. And while I’m sure plenty of girls genuinely enjoy “situationships” or “casual relationships” (or whatever you want to fucking call them), I’ve realised they’re unsustainable and unrealistic for me. These dynamics fall apart the moment one person catches feelings.  

When that happens, it creates a dangerous power imbalance: the person who isn’t ready to settle down holds all the cards, leaving the other vulnerable. This imbalance can push people to do or accept things that ultimately make them feel terrible. I’ve been on both sides of this, and when I notice someone getting too attached, I make it a point to walk away because I refuse to give anyone false hope—something I find many men struggle to do.  

These relationships consumed so much of my energy and caused constant anxiety, thanks to their endless uncertainties and blurry boundaries. So, I decided to take a real break. No kissing, no flirting, not even texting for fun. I stopped posting stories for anyone to see and had no one to update about my day. The anxiety of waiting for a text was gone. Suddenly, I could hear the birds chirping, the skies cleared, and the sun shone brighter—it felt like heaven.  

Of course, I had my moments. Occasionally, I’d get a “horny attack” and miss the feeling of touch and kisses, but those urges would pass. I had nothing to look forward to romantically, but in a way, that was freeing. I stayed strong for a few good months, with only one minor hiccup—which, in hindsight, was a needed reminder of why I started this journey in the first place.  

Through this break, I’ve figured out what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I’ve realised that I crave real, deep connection and that anything casual doesn’t serve me. That might change with time, and maybe I’ll want something lighthearted in the future. But for now, I know what I need, and I’m committed to being more intentional about who I choose to share my time and intimacy with.

So I have committed to a year of celibacy and hopefully I stick to it! 

5. Brokey!! 

I’ve never been financially responsible, which led me to live a very full and indulgent life. I drained my bank accounts on spontaneous trips, vintage clothing, and very good food. I prioritised instant pleasures and focused solely on the present moment. That mindset might work if you have a trust fund or wealthy parents backing you up—but I had neither.  

Modelling, my first real job, gave me a skewed perspective on money. Big pay checks would roll in unpredictably, making me think that making money was easy and that it would always come when I needed it. So, I spent recklessly—sometimes working just a few times a month and never saving. When bookings slowed down, I’d find myself in tight spots, but somehow, luck always bailed me out. A random client would book me just in time to pay my rent. You’d think that would’ve been a wake-up call, but I kept repeating the cycle. I had what people call “lucky girl syndrome,” and for a while, it worked.  

But relying on luck like that made long-term planning impossible. I couldn’t save for my future, invest in a business to create another income stream, or even build a basic safety net. I was reckless. It was all fun and games—until I discovered I’d been doing my taxes wrong for years. Suddenly, I was staring down serious financial trouble, and fixing it meant hiring accountants, which only added to my financial strain. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling to recover.  

No one talks enough about the stress that comes with financial problems—it’s truly soul-crushing. For a long time, I felt deeply ashamed, but I eventually realised I wasn’t alone. Many people face the same struggles. And while I do sometimes regret my impulsive financial choices, I can say the memories were worth it. Those carefree moments were charming in my early twenties, but they’re not so cute as you get older.  

Now, even though I’m still facing financial challenges, I’m actively working to fix them. I’ve made the decision to grow up and be smarter about money. I’m ready to make sacrifices now to prepare for a better, stress-free future. I’ve had enough spontaneous trips and indulgent splurges. It’s time to plan, save, and ensure that I’ll never have to worry about money like this again. Getting my girl boss boots on in 2025. 

That sums it up, I guess. Basically, I plan on being a big girl. I’m turning the page and genuinely excited for what lies ahead. See you next year. 

Bali, December 2024